Way on down

4 June 2016

I don’t like this. This BiPolar thing. It is draining. It is bothersome. It’s a ride I don’t want to be on.

For the past week and a half I have been riding the depression train. It has altered my sleep schedule, took away my desire to meet the world, and left me for dead. I am uninterested in everything.

I have no appetite and I have no joy. The only things I want to do are sit and listen to music and drink. But I’m tired of drinking water (I drink 2 gallons a day) and I don’t have enough money to keep buying juice. So I’m stuck.

It’s taken me three days to get up enough verve to write this. But God is good. That’s what I”m supposed to say. And though it is true, God IS good, I don’t feel very Christian today. My faith is not lacking but my joy is. My need for Christ is not lacking but my experience is. Whatever happened to “Life more abundantly?”

Thank the Lord for these meds. Otherwise it would be a lot worse. Who knows the trouble I’d be in if it weren’t for lithium and ziprasidone.

That’s all folks. I’m done for the day. This is not fun. I”m sorry for being a downer. I’ll talk to you again and I hope I’ll be on an up swing.

Peace

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4 thoughts on “Way on down

  1. I would suggest when you pray, to journal your thoughts afterward and to consistently do this for a period of time. As you do, you may find that God is giving you some directions of how to get over this. Usually, there are recurring themes or thoughts when God is teaching us something.

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  2. Okay, so I will have to be able to come up with something! I find that I am just too scattered to engage in anything for very long. My hobbies tend to ebb and flow with my moods or abilities or I don’t even know but I could identify with everything you just wrote. Sooooooo….I took up doodling for a while. Actually I would look google “how to draw” and then make small drawing and words and I sent them to my T for while to tame my anxiety. Weird I suppose but you can also google creative envelope addressing and make some pretty envelopes.

    Then I thought it would be fun to get a penpal and began searching prison sites. Don’t ask but I realized that it wasn’t wise and found a website called Global PenPals and now have a penpal from Switzerland. It doesn’t take too much out of me and is pretty simple, she wrote about liking cactus and wondered what plants I liked best LoL it’s hard for me to write about things other than being emotionally unwell but I can do it.

    I became nearly obsessed with Misty Edwards from IHOP and they have streaming music. Anyways it’s probably an almost cult but I found some of her songs like You Won’t Relent and The Harlot absolutely engaging. Possibly I would like to take a prophetic workshop even though I can’t sing.

    The guitar…do you have one? I do and I got it restrung. YouTube has videos on how to play most any song in 5 chords. Sounds easy but it isn’t and that passed but it was fun for a week or two. I still can’t play but it occupied my time.

    Speaking of YouTube, there is a hobby in and of itself. I don’t like TV either but I can watch endless YouTube videos that support my interest of the day.

    Yoga, oh my gosh, yoga has changed my life. Everyday I take my tired body to a class and love connecting with others and moving and it’s just beautiful.

    Pets, do you have pets?

    Inspire Bible, have you seen these? Fun

    Let me know because I can keep the ideas coming!

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    • Thank you ambigirl. Keep the ideas coming! I, too, find myself scatterd and unable to focus for very long. I do doodle a bit on envelope when I write. My wife says I should make an album and put them in there too. I like the penpal idea. I never thought of something like that. I will look into Global PenPals today. I have a guitar but it is always in the pawn shop and though I used to make progress with learning songs, I have lost interest – it’s just too hard for me to master all the nuances – and like I mentioned in the post, I am a perfectionist, so playing just for fun is out of the question. I will also look up “Inspire Bible” today. That sounds interesting. I am hoping it will be full of great ideas as well. I have a beginners yoga dvd and I have to be honest, it’s not fun to do alone. I am a social animal – I like being around people, but I can’t afford a gym membership and my wife is a private type person and so there is the conflict right away and then she doesn’t want to get up and do any of the yoga with me, so it’s a lost cause.

      It’s like I’m trapped in this unrelenting existence and there are few bright spots to grab hold of. I don’t want to give up and I don’t think I will, but this depression and its subsequent listlessness is damning. I hate it. I’m supposed to be happy right now getting ready to fly to Florida to visit my mom and even that is caught in the melodrama of my depression. LOL What a life. 🙂

      Thank you for your caring and your great ideas. Keep them coming. I am off to seek out Global PenPals. Thanks ambigirl.

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