Depression and the Guilt Factor

I find myself in a lull most of the time. I have no interest in things. No way to get motivated for a long period of time. I start stories and quickly lose the path to the next scene. I start projects and quickly lose the desire to finish them. I sleep a lot. A LOT. I can sleep for 12 hours in a day and still want to sleep more. There just doesn’t seem to be an end to it all.

My manic episodes are few and far between. Even the thrill of the Holidays does not charge my battery. Yet, my mind races. I can’t keep a thought in my mind. And it’s not long before I’m off to the next topic. Staying focused is not one of my traits.

The meds I’m on don’t help much with these problems. Sure, they tone down the mood swings to a “manageable” degree, taking away my anger and irritability. But I find it very hard to write. And I used to love to write. I used to go on for hours and even days writing poetry and stories. But now, I cannot even muster a few lines of verse or a couple of paragraphs.

And don’t even get me started on my faith. I have had a lot of trouble with my belief in the Holy Bible. There are just too many pieces of information that tell me the whole thing is a construct of earlir faiths that share the same God and the same stories and characters. So my trust is broken. BUT, I have that ONE undeniable experience with casting out a demon that hints the possibility of truth to Christianity.

The Jews and the Muslims share the same God with the Christians. The even share the same flood story, the Cain and Abel story and some other stories. So how can Christianity claim to be the ONLY true faith? The answer would have ot point to Jesus. Jesus is the Christ, hence the term Christian. And in HIS death we find our SALVATION. So the cross is a huge deal for us. But still, how can we claim the golden standard if our history is drawn from other faiths?

Being Bipolar is unnerving. On the one hand you want to conquer the world and many times, at the same time, you have no energy or interest to go out and accomplish it. I am constantly thrown off track. Seize the day! And yet, I can’t get out of bed.

The medications have robbed me of my health. I used to have the strength to do 40 push-ups and now I cannot even do ONE. I can’t bench press 45 pounds. I used to go to the gym at 6 in the morning and workout for an hour before heading off to work. It was invigorating and was a great start to my day. But today, I struggle to get started. I am locked by inaction, drained of any motivation, lost in a dilemma.

Christ, is the difference. All the other religions are empty because HE who died for us, is considered only a prophet by some and ignored completely by others. Yet, this same figure (Christ) was told in other accounts. Many, many religions talk of a virgin birth, of 12 disciples, of miracles and healings. Of raising from the dead after three days. A train of thoiught has even been developed and constructed. Zeitgeist – an investigation into Christ – has seen the light of day and tells of many faiths that share these events. It leaves one to question his own belief. You are a fool if you don’t question the findings. Because you are too closed minded to consider other possibilities. And progress depends upon the questions of the findings of everything. We would not be the technologoical wiz-kids we are today had we not questioned everything. We would still be locked in ignorance. And I don’t want to live in ignorance. We will never reach the stars if we keep our eyes glued to the ground.

So, yeah, my bipolar is in full swing today: lack of focus, lack of energy, lack of apetite. It’s just crazy. I hope you are all doing well and that your holiday celebrations were full of cheer and lots of joyful moments.


I’m sorry……I’m so scattered today.