Inappropriate Thoughts

There are days that I have thoughts of suicide and/or murder. They are both fleeting thoughts as I don’t have the courage to do either. To me, suicide is a brave thing to do. You have to be willing to give up everything in order to gain the unknown. It is tragic for sure, but there is that element of bravery involved. And I don’t have that courage. Not yet anyway. My life is not that bad that I want to go away for ever.

And then there is murder. My anger feeds that thought. There is this guy, a real jerk, who threatened my life and I still see him occasionally, sometimes frequently (the mother of his baby lives nearby) and when I see him I usually fantasize how good it would feel to murder him. Not just to shoot him once or twice, but to put a whole clip in him and take my time doing it. Thankfully, I 1) am not allowed to have guns, and 2) don’t have access to guns. Otherwise, I’d be in prison already. But I have these thoughts often enough that they bother me – suicide, and, murder. They just won’t leave me alone.

I know my views are not popular and some would go so far as to say that they are immoral, but this is my life. I don’t ask to have these thoughts, they just are there. I control my actions, but I can’t control my thoughts. The consequences of both suicide and murder are permanent, each having their painful endings. But they differ greatly in scope. With suicide, I get to end all of this waste of a life once and for all, but I would have to give up the HOPE that things could change. And that HOPE is a strong drug. All by itself it changes things, causes me to alter my outlook, causes me to make different decisions – all predicated on the fact that MAYBE, just maybe, I could hang on for another day. And the murder, well, I would have to spend the rest of my miserable life locked away – and my FREEDOM is most important to me. Even if I got away with murder, I would live my life in a panic of thinking that somebody knew and would tell the cops and in this way , in the panic, I would again lose my freedom.

So, yeah, I’m not willing to give up my FREEDOM for anything, not for suicide and certainly not for murder. BUT I have these thoughts. And they constantly invade my waking moments. It’s like I’m trapped in here with them and they won’t go away.

I did mention anger. Anger is my housemate. My confidant. My self. I have lived with anger all of my life. When I was just a boy my anger would lash out at my big sister. I would chase her with knives and hammers and things. I routinely smashed her door, put holes in the walls and was a terrible kid. As a young adult I lashed out at inanimate objects: once I almost broke my hand repeatedly punching a steel door because I was angry at a co-worker. Most recently, before I was diagnosed, the police were called because I had a meltdown at a government facility and another time a meltdown at the bank.

Anger is not my friend. Even while on medication I battle with it. I am told time and time again that my speech, the tone of my voice, is mean, and I just don’t get it. I don’t feel mean at the time. So it’s got to be something deep inside of me. I’m not sure if changing my meds would help. I’ve tried 11 different anti-psychotics and I’m not sure I want to get on that carousel again. The lithium is working pretty well and in combo with the ziprasidone (Geodon), I am in a manageable state. But I just can’t stop these thoughts. And have you noticed? I jump around from topic to topic with the ease of the wind. I’m told this is a normal trait for a Bipolar. So I am sorry for being scatterbrained.

My original thoughts were on suicide and murder. I don’t know how many of you have these thoughts, but don’t give up this freedom that we enjoy for the bliss of the unknown or the pleasure of feeding your anger. Suicide is not for the faint of heart and you don’t usually get a second chance to rethink your position. One time and you are done. There is no going back for a do over. And murder, well though it might feel good at the time, it also carries with it a high penalty. In both cases you lose your freedom and your hope for a better life. Never give up that HOPE.

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