Trust and Fear

I Have Issues With Trust

After posting yesterday’s blog I thought it might be a good idea to tackle my issues with Trust. Specifically, trusting the Lord.

It might have crossed people’s minds reading my blog that I am not a “good” Christian. And if you thought that, I would have to agree with you. I am a terrible Christian. Not one you would want to have as a poster child for the Faith. I cuss, I scream, I doubt, I fear, I do all sorts of things that are against the precepts of the Faith. But I do try…..occasionally.

I am not the Christian I once was. I used to be quite a devout follower. I could be seen everywhere with Bible in hand, at the ready. And I knew Scripture. I was good at it. I could quote you verse and I could tell you about the stories. And I believed. Strongly. But those days are gone. I have fallen away and I have forgotten.

Now the thing about forgetting, well, I can blame a lot of that on my medications but that is trivial. The real reason for my demise is fear. After my experience with the haunted house I began to fear the possibilities. I took my focus off of God being there to protect us and fight for us and I started thinking about Satan and his demons and how they so easily attacked that woman and her child. And we were powerless to stop him/them.

So, through the years that fear caused me to lose trust in the Lord. And then I ….excuse me, I’m searching for the word……I compounded the fear and distrust by adding in the reality that my mom, my dad, and my sister turned their backs on me when I was most vulnerable. If I couldn’t trust them how the heck am I supposed to trust someone I’ve never seen?!

So, today’s issue is Trusting the Lord.

When I seek out verse I usually use the New King James Bible. I began my journey with the King James Version, but that was too difficult at times to understand. So I moved on to the NIV Study Bible but that was and is “lacking” for me. I like the language of the old versions and the NKJV seems to fit well. I will add both the NKJV and NIV texts for a little perspective for you.

Let’s start with Proverbs.

Proverbs 29:25

The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe. NKJV

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. NIV

This is pretty straightforward, isn’t it? This speaks to me in many ways. Not only of being afraid of man, but also of being afraid in general. I never was a burly-man, a fighter. In fact, I’ve never been in a fight in my life, so I don’t know how it would feel to take a punch. In my younger years I just never put my self in any situation where there was the possibility of an altercation. I thought that people who fought were stupid and foolish. What does a man gain from beating up another man? Then, as I got older, I became more angry and I started to call out people and their bluffs and got myself into situations where there ‘could’ be an altercation. This has only happened about five times. And, never has my call been answered. Thankfully. Although I do think it would have been a good learning experience for me to have had my butt kicked just once so I knew what it was like and then I could forever have a reference to be able to relate to some people better. But that is moot. So “fear of man will prove to be a snare” – Yes, I do believe that a person who is in fear tends to not think accurately. And I can say from experience that fearing Satan is stupid. It binds you and causes you to push away from God. It causes me to trust God less and therein lies my dilemma: How do I trust God when my own family turned their back on me? The fear of God doing what my family did is so great.

The fear that God will turn His back on me is a biggie. There is a lot of evidence to show that He will not turn His back on me, but that is all “old history” – stuff from the Old Testament. But Lord, What have You done for me lately? How do I know that after all of my sins and my blasphemy – how do I know you won’t hang me out to dry? What if I have sinned the unpardonable sin? What then? Am I to take my lot with the devil? How can I be assured that “whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe?”

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. NKJV

You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you. NIV

Ah, there is the answer. Because if I trust in YOU, Lord, You will keep me in perfect peace. But how long must I prove that I trust you before you send that peace over me? Is the Holy Spirit still within me or has He fled due to my unworthiness and my fear? If He is there, how do I make Him flourish as He once did? How do I get back the power that was there in the beginning? My mind cannot be steadfast anymore because of my mental illness. I am a scatterbrain. I am angry. I am in fear. So then, can I ever again have that peace?

Isaiah 50:10

Who among you fears the Lord? Who obeys the voice of His Servant? Who walks in darkness And has no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord And rely upon his God. NKJV

Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let the one who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on their God. NIV

The only thing I fear about the Lord is that He will cast me into hell anyway – out of spite. Much like my family did when I was fifteen. This is not an easy fix. These passages make it look easy and simple, but it is not. It is a battle I have every day. And me, not being the fighter-type, I just give up and give in to the fear. I am not thinking straight. I am all screwed up. I ask questions that are stupid and believe the worst in everything. This is not an easy fix.

So there you are my friends. The great conundrum. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And I mean that literally. I am afraid of three things:

  • That God will turn His back on me – even if I do everything right
  • That God will turn His back on me – because I’ve committed the unpardonable sin
  • That God will turn His back on me – because no one can be trusted, my family saw to that.

So what do I do? How do I proceed? Your assistance is greatly appreciated.

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4 thoughts on “Trust and Fear

  1. There is so much here, much that I can relate to.
    First, you have to remember that fear is a spirit, and it is not of God (2 Timothy 1:7-NKJV For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind). You know this because you know the word.

    It does not fail. God watches over his word to perform it. Speaking of performance – God’s love and salvation is not performance based. It is based on the acceptance of salvation, of grace. One of the reasons we struggle with this is the world teaches us that we must DO to receive, to be, to move, to be acceptable. Whereas Kingdom of God states that we are (a) not of this world, (b) must renew our mind so that we can remember that we are solely dependent on Him for everything and (c) are the righteousness of God in Christ. Key words being IN CHRIST. Not in Eric. Not in family. Not in friends. But in Christ.

    I’ve known God all of my life. Raised in church. Knew the Lord, and yet had doubt. If you can doubt, you can have faith. Doubt is the negative of faith – it’s still believing. And therein lies the rub. It’s a choice. We have to choose life so that our seeds (faith, family, love, blessing) can live. Nowhere in the word did it say the choice would be easy, problem free or without conflict or pain. Nowhere. In fact, we are to count on it. It is a fact. However, what we should also count as a fact is that though a righteous man falls down (sins, falls short, makes choices contrary to the word and plan of God), if he will admit that and turn to God and ask him to forgive him and (man) decides to diligently seek God regardless of what it looks like, then the Lord will pick Him up as many times as necessary.

    I would love to comment more, but I am like, hijacking your comments section. Maybe I’ll do a post instead. This is good, real living. I can totally relate.

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    • Thank you sooooo much for the insights. It helps to hear the Word from a new perspective. I get caught up in my own failings that I forget to take Him at His Word. I question everything and then doubt everything. Still, I am concerned about the unforgiveable sin. I fear I have committed that. I cussed at the Holy Spirit. I was really angry and not in my right mind, but I did it. I said bad things and now I am afraid that God won’t forgive me and let me back in the kingdom. Please do not ever feel that you are hijacking my comments section. People need to hear and see the Word and you are sharing that – that is what makes this all so cool – that we can spread the message.

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  2. Remember what it says in James about asking for anything and doubting. You can be forgiven. Ask for it and BELIEVE you have been given it. Then, talk to God and ask him to reveal if you have done the unforgivable sin. If you give it logical thought (which is laughable since the Kingdom of God doesn’t operate on our fallible logic), we have ALL blasphemed the Holy Spirit in one way or another. Whether you curse, defile your body with harmful foods or not exercising (my personal guilt), wronged another brother or sister in Christ who has Him resident inside of them, we all trespass against the Holy Spirit. I think that He’s still there with you. He has not vacated your presence. The verse that comes to mind is Romans 8:1 – Now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Get it right with God, you’re back in. Your heart is still contrite and malleable. As long as you’re breathing, it’s never too late.

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