It’s quite the challenge to stay busy – busy enough to not have to think. I don’t like to think. It reminds me of how miserable my life is now. I am not able to work in this condition, with these challenges. But it would be nice to have some sort of routine that I can settle in to. Something that I can build from. You can’t think outside the box if the box doesn’t exist. And my box disintegrated over a decade ago.
I listen to music. And try to write. And do research. But I am bored. It is driving me crazy. I posted a few weeks ago about this very thing: not having a hobby – or – something to pursue. A couple of you helped out with suggestions and ideas and I thank you. But I am still here with the same dilemma. If I don’t stay busy, I’ll contemplate the future I have to look forward to. And, it is a dreary future. One of some suffering. But there is no getting around it. I have to live with this mental illness for the rest of my life. Unless, some genius comes up with a cure, which is highly unlikely being that we haven’t even got a handle on how the brain talks to itself and creates thought, and memories, and dreams.
The future does look grim. These pills that I have to take to stay sane make me feel like an idiot. I can’t make sentences like I used to. That part of the brain has been altered, whether by the illness or by the pills or both together. And it is only going to get worse. They tell me it will be like having a frontal lobotomy. I haven’t looked up what exactly that entails and I am not sure I want to know but what I have heard said is that the frontal lobe, well, let me just share with you what I found on google….
“The frontal lobe is the part of the brain that controls
important cognitive skills in humans, such as emotional
expression, problem solving, memory, language, judgment,
and sexual behavior. It is, in essence, the “control panel”
of our personality and our ability to communicate.”
So my future looks pretty bleak. All of those elements on the “control panel” are deteriorating and will continue to do so as long as I take these pills. These pills are meant to suppress the emotional apsect but they bleed over to affect all other aspects of the frontal lobe as well.
No one has said how long it will take for the degradation to be devastating but it is understood that the change will be significant. In the ten years that I’ve been on these meds I have noticed a bothersome decline in my language skills, my memory (particularly the short-term memory), my problem-solving skills and my sense of judgement about certain things that have, or could have, far-reaching consequences. It’s all deteriorating and I can’t tell anymore how much it is changing. I’m not that sensitive to the details. But I sure do know when something has triggered my emotions (anger).
The good news is that I am not in jail. My anger issues have been quelled, for the most part, and I haven’t gone off on anyone in a bad way since I started taking the meds. So that is good news.
I have to try and remind my self of this success when I am at my worst or when the anger bug bites me. I have to remember that life is a gift. Even in this condition, I am blessed.