Asleep at the Wheel

No, this won’t be a post about the band. Sorry to mislead you. But I do feel like I have been asleep at the wheel these past few weeks. Lately I have been battling sleep issues and faith issues. Last night I finally went to sleep around 11pm. That sounds normal right? Well, consider I had been up for 32 hours. Not so normal anymore, huh? I go through these cycles where I am on a “normal” sleep routine for a few weeks and then out of nowhere I am caught up in the world of insomnia and it takes me up to a week to get back on track. The flip side of this is that there are days when I am so tired I don’t get out of bed until late in the afternoon. I have no explanation for any of this other than the fact that I am Bipolar and with that I experience many side effects from the pills they have me on. Anyway, this happens far too often for my comfort and it interferes with everything. It’s hard to make appointments because I never know if I am going to be in a cycle or not. I have canceled many appointments due to this problem.

My faith issues are a direct result of me not being a regular church-goer. I don’t have the money that it would take to pay for the gas to get me to church every Sunday. So, I try and do my own Bible Study online and it has been difficult. It is not easy to do this as a one-man-show. I need people to bounce ideas off of. I need other folks’ input. The big question at present concerns my salvation and my standing with God. I am certain that I have committed the “unpardonable sin”: blaspheming against the Holy Spirit. You see, I have anger problems (bipolar, hello) and when I have an episode I could care less who I am talking to and who the audience is – I will yell and scream and cuss and say all sorts of things. And, I think on one occasion I cussed out the Holy Ghost. And if Matthew 12:31 is accurate (Jesus speaking) then I am in pretty hot water.

“Therefore I say to you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven men. “

So, reading this and not having the knowledge that, say, a pastor has, I am worried that my episode will be held against me and that I am going to hell. Simple as that.

It would be a shame if God is so anal that He does not take into consideration a person’s mental health when He judges a person’s faithfulness but the Bible is not clear on this. Jesus says that particular sin will not be forgiven, but does that carry over into my salvation? I mean, if – and it’s a big if – I were to be saved, would He look at me differently in heaven? Will I be sent to the back of the bus, pushed out of His immediate presence? Will this affect my opportunity to store up treasures in heaven?

What are your thoughts?


9 thoughts on “Asleep at the Wheel

  1. Eric, I feel like I can relate to you a lot here. Lately I’ve had faith issuse as well and I believe it’s because I can’t even recall the last time I went to church. As much as I’d love to go, I work night shift and it seems like every Sunday I’m either working or recovering from work (so I have the sleep issues as well). If you’d like, I could give you the link to my church’s online services. They stream live on Saturday’s and Sundays and they also archive all the old services for watching later. It’s not the same as going to church and being around fellow believers, but it’s better than nothing.

    The unpardonable sin is and interesting but scary topic. I’ve read up on it before and found this article:

    It’s a long read but it’s interesting and seems to be well based on the Bible so I believe it to be true.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks BurningMatch, I need all the help I can get. I would gladly check out your church’s website. Online church is about all I get to do and any help in that arena is well appreciated. 🙂



        Here is the link to the archived messages on the current Easter series 🙂 Live streaming can also be found there but I find it works better on facebook, if you have one; search first Baptist church of Indian rocks. There are services Saturday 6 pm, Sunday 9 and 10:45 am, and Wednesday 6:45 pm (all eastern time). The services on saturday and Sunday are the same message, just different music. Wednesday night is more low key, some singing, prayer and reading from the Bible:) I believe it’s a very good church. The pastor is just very down to earth, and true to God’s word. 😊


      • Thank you so much. I read everything on that link you offered and I feel much better now. They provide a compelling argument (many in fact) that convince me that I did not commit the unpardonable sin. Praise God!!!! I can sleep better now.

        Indian Rocks? Is that Florida? I grew up in Tampa. Went to Indian Rocks Beach many many times.

        Thank you again SO MUCH for the help. You have no idea how much it means. Maybe you do. 🙂 Haha Thank you


  2. Eric, I think almost every Christian who struggles with mental illness goes through this struggle, where they think they’ve committed the unpardonable sin. It does not help that there are some churches out there who are so eager to slam the doors of heaven on people that they will define it too broadly. If a rashly-spoken word against God in a moment of weakness equals the unpardonable sin, then probably nobody will be saved. So much for the grace of God.
    I believe the fact that you are even considering this possibility means two things: (1) Satan is still acting as “accuser of the brethren” against you and wants to discourage you, and (2) the Holy Spirit is still working in your life. I have met people who completely walked away from God and, to be completely honest, they couldn’t care less.


    • Thank you Michael, I am sure that Satan has been bearing down on me, but I did speak some rather ugly words against the Holy Spirit and I am beating myself up over it. Yet, as you say, if a rashly spoken word against God takes away our salvation then not many would be saved. I will try to hold onto this message and see if that helps me break free of the guilt. Thank you 🙂


  3. Seriously? You think you’ve committed the unpardonable sin? The fact that you are concerned about it indicates your heart is not seared enough to have done it (in my opinion). If we are allowed to be angry with the Almighty, what makes one think that the influence of chemically unbalanced emotions would bar you from the love of Christ. Does not the gospel say ‘Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ’ (Romans 8:28) and that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1)? Me thinks you might need to have a read of that particular chapter. We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6).

    In all of the gospels, Jesus went about healing all and doing good. He healed people with various mental disorders – yes, those considered to be demon possessed, chemically imbalanced, socially outcast and awkward. I mean, have you READ what those people were influenced to do by demons? One kid was throwing himself into fire (burning himself) and trying to drown himself (read: intense outbursts of uncontrollable anger and rage resulting in self harm and I’m quite sure there was cursing at any and everyone).

    My church streams online and has services Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday. Not exactly the same as being there in person, but it is good to follow. There are lots of churches that teach the truth online, and have services that stream. You do have to know the word to follow sometimes, BUT it’s a good way to get one encouraged to study on their own. Also, I’ve been listening to Steven Furtick at Elevation Church. He’s another good one, along with John Gray.

    If you haven’t already, invest in some good praise and worship music. Elevation worship has good praise…all kinds of good stuff out there depending on the genres you enjoy.

    Here are some links to the places/people I mentioned:

    Scroll through the links to find some thing that speaks to your spirit.


  4. Thank you Not So Random Chick. I’ve not been the best of students lately. I have forgotten much of what I learned many years ago. Thankfully there are those such as yourself who have the understanding of the Word and can relate to people like me. Thank you also for the many links. I can use all the resources I can get my hands on. These will go in my Bible bookmarks folder. I do have a collection of Christian music that I listen to regularly but I think I need some good worhsip music to put me in the right frame for studying and praising. Thanks again. May you find rest in His Peace.


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