Is God Working Undercover?

Okay, so I couldn’t stay away. I just have to share today’s report.

You ever have one of those days when you don’t feel like doing anything? I mean you REALLY don’t feel like doing something in particular? And then you just do it and it turns out you go gangbusters? Well, I really did not want to read the Bible today, but, when I started in I just got into it and it didn’t feel burdensome at all.

I was reading in the book of Daniel and before I knew it I had read five chapters! It was all about Nebuchaneezer and Belshazzar, his son. I found the stories so very interesting. On a side note: I have to say that my left hand and arm are sore now. My right hand and wrist are still in a brace and I am controlling the mouse and typing with my left hand. It’s taken me ten minutes to type this far. Anyway, I have to stop and rest every now and again. I don’t know how those hunt-and-peck folks do it.

So, Daniel interpreted Nebuchaneezers dreams (2) and deciphered an ominous warning to Belshazzar concerning the proper object of worship – God, himself – and was rewarded with purple and gold and a high stature in the kingdom. Which brought me to wonder, “Why do we not see episodes like this in this day and age?” Seriously, we still have rulers, we still have Christians; men and women of prayer; spiritual gifts and so many ‘qualifying’ circumstances, I don’t see the logic in God hiding His face from us.

Twenty minutes.

With the explosion of faith in recent times, one would expect to see or hear of many miracles, dreams interpreted, etc. Wouldn’t this bring more glory and honor to God? Isn’t He in the business of healings and such?

I can honestly say that I witnessed, nay, was part of a miraculous event, so I know God is real. I just don’t understand the logic sometimes. Are we believers doing something wrong? Have we missed the mark? Whatever happened to all those ‘faith-healers?’ Has God gone undercover?

I’ll stop there. Maybe the answers will reveal themselves as I read more in my Bible.

Goodnight all. Thanks for sharing.

Taking a break…..

hey folks. doc says i have tendonitis and i have to rest my right hand for a while. they put a brace on me so i can’t cheat. lol. i can appreciate the challenges faced by people with only one arm. they are heroes.

i can’t say when i’ll be back in full force. my computer habits seem to exacerbate the problem….so….maybe i neede to limit my time on the laptop. that will suck. i have no interest in ANYTHING else.

okie dokie. i’m off for a while. i love you all. stay safe.

me

Un-hand me, my self….

I don’t know what I did. I screwed up my wrist. So, I am typing this up one-handed.

I find my thought process to be slowed quite significantly because of this hunt-and-peck order, and, I tend to hit the wrong keys often.

Last week I helped a neighbor build a green house. It was a kit. And, it was a real challenge. Not only were the instructions poor, but the design was something out of a science fiction book. We were assembling and unassembling things over and over again because that is the way they designed the construction of it. We were not completely happy campers. That being said, we finished it in three days.

It was nice to get out of the house and be productive again. It’s been a long time since I had any projects to make me feel useful. And there’s something to be said about that. A person (me) sitting on his duff all the time, staring into a flat box with lights (laptop) just is not beneficial for the psyche. It’s like how they say playtime for the kids improves their test scores. A man without activity soon wastes away.

 

My neighbor and I connected again. A different neighbor. This lady is 85 years old and is the most positive-minded person on the block. She is a Jehovah’s Witness and has been reading the Bible for over 60 years. She is my “girlfriend” – we chat for hours at a time when I see her and we always leave smiling. She has had a difficult life but she has shone through with grace. So anyway, I hadn’t been over to her house for a couple of months and I felt guilty and half-expected her to question me on my whereabouts. But she did none of that and simply greeted me with a big smile.

After I got back home, I started thinking about it. How special our relationship is. Here we are thirty years apart and we have so much to talk about. I don’t know what it is but I have always had an affinity for talking with older folk. Even when I was a kid, there were older people who would open up to me and tell me things. And in my teens I volunteered at a rest home and would sit and talk with the folk for long periods of time. I just felt the need to be there for them so they could feel “connected”, not alone. Y’know?

Well, this neighbor said last night that we haven’t been having our talks like we used to. And she is right. I haven’t been as attentive as in the past. I need to fix that. So I’ll be going over there for a pow wow this weekend. It should be a rip roaring good time.

Belief + Perception = Results

This writ is biased. I am basing my assumptions on actual experiences in my life leading up to conversion, and, post-conversion efforts. You will see that my perceptions are shaped by my entire life being led into conversion through environmental factors i.e. media, society, family.

As a boy I was forced to attend church services with my family. We attended a Catholic church on base and, for many years, I suffered through the tedius homily and the quiet atmosphere. This exposure to the Christian belief system shaped my future outreach.

By the time I was fifteen I was done with the Catholic church, it was just too boring and lifeless for my tastes. Their practices and traditions were also undesirable to me. But, a foundation had been laid. When I got out on my own I searched for other avenues of faith. I sought out various denominations settling on the Holy Rollers because of the liveliness of the gatherings. I was always interested in Buddhism but never took the plunge. I did read up on it occasionally but never found it intriguing enough to pursue. Therefore, I can only base this writ on my experiences as a Christian.

In my early twenties I decided to “get God” and went to a church to be “saved.” It was in this experience that I found my mind opened to the possibilities of a spirit world sharing our space here on earth. The people at the church gathered those of us who “committed” together and we were all encouraged to invite the Holy Spirit to rest upon us and we spoke in “tongues.” We each spoke in our own spiritual “language” as a sign of our faith.

Again, my mind was open to the possibilities. I “invited” the opportunity to be blessed by the spirit world. This is a key factor in belief and results. Now, for there to be a desired result from such an experience there has to be something in the spirit world to experience. There has to be some sort of commodity to purchase with my belief. You can’t just believe and have nothing to aim for. There must be a target. In this case we were assisted by other Christians, mature Christians in the act of drawing out the commodity of speaking in tongues.

As I studied the Holy Bible and learned of the whole affair, I came to know that there were many spiritual commodities available to the believers. These were called “Spiritual Gifts.”

So what is my point so far? My point is that Belief + An Open Mind = Invites Results. You don’t have to know what you are doing to receive the desired results, but it helps to have someone there who has walked the path before you.

In the coming months my whole world had changed. My perception of things had a new tint to it. No longer were rainy days dreary and cold, but instead, they were refreshing and cleansing. No longer were people annoyances and attackers. They were instead mixed souls exploring the earth, some determined some confused. I lived this way without trying. Meaning that I did not wake up each morning and determine that everything was going to go my way. I simply woke up with a happy disposition, as if I were walking on clouds.

I believe this was the result, again, of Belief with an open mind. I didn’t have the knowledge to force anything to change, I simply went about my days being happy. Why was I happy? I don’t know, to be honest. I can’t remember. I can assume that it was because I was “saved” – that something happened to me that day when I accepted Jesus into my heart and also spoke in tongues. There was a door that was opened to me and I walked through it to the other side.

So my perception of things changed. I had a happy disposition. Couple that with the belief that my sins were forgiven and that the Most Almighty being ever has accepted me into His kingdom, well, that would be enough for anybody to rejoice —— if they believed that death had been beaten. If they believed that eternity was to be spent in the presence of one so great. If they believed that Jesus sacrificed Himself, sacrificed His very life, for our sake, and if they believed that any of this was at all a possibility. If they believed all this, their life would be transformed and they too would be happy beyond understanding.

But, let’s take a look at the dark side. Let’s fast forward to another experience. A place where negativity was prevalent.

I went into a “haunted house”. I went into it on purpose. With determination. With an open mind, but with a foundation of belief that empowered me. What I was told is that the family who lived there previously, well, they had left in quite a hurry. So much so that they left the dishes on the table, the beds in the bedroom. They even left pictures on the nightstands. And they didn’t want to go back for any of the stuff.

I went with four other people. Three from the same family and one a friend of the family. I was the odd man out. I cannot speak for the others, but the intention was to go and learn something. To make contact with the spirit world. And we did. Sort of. What happened was that the lady and her son were attacked by a demon. My belief in Christ changed the course of our lives that night. I did not attempt to force anything to happen. I merely was there as an observer. But, I was forced into action when the lady screamed that the demon had strangled her by grabbing her necklace. Long story short I burst into action unwillingly. It was more like a reflex, I just burst onto the scene with the gift of speaking in tongues and it shooed the demon away.

What is significant about this whole thing is that fact that I no longer acted consciously, but instead, I acted on impulse. This was not a planned outcome. But what part did belief play in this? Belief was instrumental in that I had a foundation of belief in the spiritual world. I believed that we were entering into a house that was inhabited by “evil” spirits. I believed that we were safe. That we had nothing to fear because “Jesus was with me.” And I believed that Jesus was greater than the demon(s) we would encounter. BUT, I did not believe that I would be instrumental in eradicating this house of demons. I had no idea that things would turn out the way they did. Therefore, someone else was in charge of the whole shebang and that person was “on our side.”

For me to say that I would also have to believe that there is both “good” and “evil.” This in itself is a construct of western thought. Good and Evil permeates our society. In everything from politics to marketing, good and evil are key players in shaping out thought processes. In the movies there was always the “good guy” who wore white and a “bad guy” who wore black. Again, this shapes our perception of things. And so, going into that house I had pre-existing ideas about good and evil and those perceptions would further shape my thoughts as I went through the house looking at all of the “evidence” that presented itself.

Was I just being led around by my nose like a dog or did I actually have freedom of thought? I would have to say that I was being led by something. How else could I explain the sudden outburst of speaking in tongues and the subsequent departure of the demon? I didn’t — I couldn’t do this on my own, so I must have been led, controlled, by someone else. Which brings me to another facet of belief – involuntary actions.

Sphere of Influence – You can work in the sphere of influence for the common good without even trying to force the situation. Opportunity arises and if a foundation has been laid then the actions can be carried out to fruition without having the determination of mind to do it. Kinda like autopilot. You see, therefore you are. You spend your life within a certain framework and you go on to master certain skills and thought processes. When an opportunity arises you simply act on impulse and cause the ball to go in motion.

If you are on the “good” side, there are favorable results, based on our societal desire for “good” to win. But you can just as easily be on the “dark” side and have “favorable” results even though those results mean something bad is going to happen to someone. This is because both good and bad are legitimate poles on opposite ends of the same spectrum. We merely have attached the labels good and bad on them to differentiate them for our understanding. An “evil” person would find it enjoyable to see someone get hurt. While a “good” person would tend to the wounds. Both are legitimate perceptions and both carry with them “desired” results.

I only bring this up because I want to show that good and evil are human constructs to identify behavioral patterns. Both can be considered valid and both can be exercised in good faith for a desired outcome.

Let’s talk about “fear.” Fear changes behaviors and it changes a person’s belief strategy. Fear causes illogical perceptions and binds the powers of possibilities so that no progress can be made.

Belief shaped by fear is the beginning of damnation. Fear will cause you to believe lies. To expect the worst. It will damn you into submission and choke off the very life you have left to live.

Fear has been used by con-men and corporations for thousands of years. It is the most powerful device to steal someone’s freedom (and money.) Politicians use it. Parents use it. Even Preachers use it. It is the one constant in all of life. It moves us to fight or it bolts us to flight. Without it we are dead.

For any good to come of fear, we have to change our beliefs and we must lay a solid foundation in order to make fear our “friend.” The only way to lay a solid foundation is to first seek out a device that will give us the tools to build the favorable foundation and it has to be a device that gets good results, that is, the device must make fear be nothing more than a tool. Fear must be manhandled. It must be brought into submission. It must be powerless until we ask it to perform. Nothing has power until we act.

Belief and perception are the rulers of our life here on earth. We must take an active role in ensuring our beliefs serve us and do not hinder our progress. We can choose to belief anything – good or bad – and we will reap what we sow. If we choose “good” beliefs, we will sow blessings. If we choose “bad” beliefs we will cause damnations. We have the power. We have the ability. We have the right to be free from fear. We need only to decide, to choose our fate.

Ramble On

So today I am sitting here pondering the do’s and don’t’s of life, and, I am waiting for the mailman to bring some much needed computer software. I have purchased Acronis True Image software to clone my wife’s hard drive. Her computer has been acting up lately (actually slowing down) and I think it is finally time to replace the hard drive. I built the computer ten years ago and it has worked good for her all this time but lately the computer has shown signs of wear.

On the one hand it is exciting to be in this position because I finally get to “fix” something. I mean, what is a man’s greatest joy in life but to fix things? On the other hand, it is a challenge because my mind does not perform the way it used to and I question my self at every turn. Can I truly fix this thing anymore? Do I have the mental skills to go in and work this complicated software so that the desired outcome is experienced? The whole future hangs in the balance. If I screw it up, then we have to go the old fashioned way and install everything from scratch which takes hours upon hours.

It really isn’t all that bad, but it is a challenge. I’ve never worked with a cloning program and it feels and sounds ominous.

In my younger days – my clean mental days – I would have tackled this with little reserve. But now, with my mental capacity as it is, I am afraid of screwing up and having wasted my time and money on a program that may be too hard to master.

So, I’m sitting here and I am realizing that the big black dog of depression is not so big today. I am actually feeling kind of free. Granted, I am not manic and wild, but I am feeling pretty nimble today. It is nice to not be so numb to life that everything has a black cloud over it. Today, I feel like listening to Santana. And, I want to blare it from the rooftops!

Anyway, the computers in our house are on strike. My son’s computer started screwing up over a month ago and now is so bad that he has to use the on-screen keyboard to get things done. I don’t understand. The computer is only two years old. His fan acts up every now and again and the whole machine shuts down. That started happening a year ago. I bought another fan for him in case the thing completely dies but it has soldiered on all this time. But now, like I said, he can’t use his keyboard because so many keys just don’t work. Thankfully he can use the onscreen keyboard.

I have a backup laptop computer that had its own problems after about a year into it. The fan died and it had to be replaced, so I replaced it. But in putting the thing back together a connector broke and we had to rig it so that it would function. I don’t dare take it apart again because I’m not sure we could put it back together without more problems arising. It still works but is temperamental. So anyway, I don’t do tear downs anymore. You never know what kind of challenge you’re gonna run into.

What challenges am I facing with my Bipolar today? Well, for one, my appetite is non-existent. I have been Unhungry for over two years now and I think it’s reached its peak. I might have a pear today and then eat a half a sandwich for dinner. And that’s about it. Food makes me cringe anymore. Many times I have to force the food down my throat. Usually I feel like I’ll gag or worse but I’m fine after a half hour or so.

The side effects from the pills – I have extensive shaking going on right now. My hands and my arms – including my shoulders – are all a tremble. This is present more often than not. Sometimes it’s so bad I can’t hold a spoon. It’s a funny thing. I can not control the shakes, but I can control it with both hands clenched together. Weird. Useless too. But funny.

I have racing thoughts. They sometimes keep me up at nights. I also have the same thoughts over and over and over again. Non-stop entertainment. I have dress rehearsals for conversations that will never happen. I wish I could have an iPod or iPhone tied to my brain so I could copy down all the wild and wonderful conversations and storytelling that goes on in my head. I just don’t have enough time to get the laptop, turn it on, and wait for the initializations to occur and then, finally, get the chance to type in all that I was thinking, which by this time would be half gone from my memory. LOL

It’s a little crazy and a whole lot of sad to admit that we have a problem. Doing this blog has shown me that there are thousands of people who suffer from some form of mental illness. I can’t tell you how disturbed I am over this. It’s as if God made a mistake. Many mistakes. Why should we have to suffer? What did we ever do to deserve this fate?

Sure, I am being selfish. But, it begs the question: What is normal? Who is normal? There are so many different illnesses out there, whether they are “physical” ailments or “mental” illnesses, the mind wanders when thinking about it all.

We’ve been on this earth for tens of thousands of years and this is the best we can come up with? Really? Plato and Socrates were wise beyond their years and in two thousand years this is all we’ve accomplished? It seems to me that there is a conspiracy going on. One that has been ordained from the earliest of time. I’m speaking of power – and greed. To stay in power, the “leaders” of the free world have taken it upon themselves to quash the truth, to hide the healing factors.

Consider cancer for a moment. It is a multi-billion dollar “industry.” They don’t want to find a cure because it would ruin their economic standing. So many people would be without jobs, including the CEOs of many famous corporations. So they purposefully “don’t” find a cure.

Why have all the alternative medicine doctors been found dead in the last three years? What did they know? Whom did they cure? What rule did they break?

Yeah, I’m just gong on here, but these are just questions that pop through my mind every now and again. I wish I had real answers.

I consider myself lucky. My deal with Bipolar has been above average I would say as compared to some that I have read about on other blogs. For one, I don’t have to take a cocktail of drugs to function. I take two: lithium and geodon. Although I think a mood stabilizer would help me avoid the lows of depression. But I have an opportunity to explore that with my new doctor when I meet her in the next couple of weeks. Secondly, I feel my highs and lows are mild. Sure, every now and again things get haywired, but for the most part I am as close to normal as I am going to get.

On the flip side of that, I have the issues of sleep and anger and disinterest. Sleep is either my enemy or my enemy. What I mean is that I either sleep too long (12 hours sometimes) or not at all (awake for 32 hours at times). There rarely is a day when I sleep for 6 to 8 hours. And I don’t always feel rested when doing so. Then there is the anger. I know I mentioned how my highs and lows are mild, but there have been times when my anger got out of control, and it takes/took just a small trigger to set it off! I was in the grocery store the other day with my wife and boy and they took off on me to do their own thing. I was left not knowing if they were going to get things that I had on our list so I got upset. And then that upset grew into a rage and I stopped what I was doing, hunted them down, and then let them have it. I yelled and cussed and fumed in front of children and adults alike. It was not pretty. Not a proud moment. And I had taken my pills the night before. So I learned that the pills don’t always preclude me from having episodes.

And finally, the disinterest. The lack of caring. The missing motivation. I struggle with that daily. There is just no way I can fix this. I sit and wonder and stare and nothing happens. I can be “hot” for a project for three or four days. And then on the fifth day and beyond, there is absolutely no interest in the project “at all.” It’s been a week since I last did research for my latest short story and I have no idea when I will find the energy to tackle it again. I can’t even write one creative sentence. It’s just blah. A bunch of hot air with no meaning whatsoever. I’m not one of those writers who can sit down and write for eight hours day and call it good. I am more of an apprentice who needs to be inspired to write.

Much like this blog….if you have followed me all the way down here, then you are a determined soul and I thank you. This has been less than stellar for you today, I’m sure. Me bouncing off the walls per se and saying whatever comes to my mind. If you are Bipolar you will understand. If you are not Bipolar, then this has been a difficult exercise for you and I apologize. There was a purpose somewhere in here. I just lost track of it somewhere.

Have a blessed day everyone.

14 – spice rub

As promised, here is the 14-spice rub. Following this recipe will yield about 2 cups (enough to rub three or four steaks). If you don’t have all of the ingredients on hand, you can always “wing it” and try something new by adding your own choice spices to the mix. I’ve found that adding lime juice gives it a nice tangy feel.

You can make a basic rub with just about any spice, but three must haves are brown sugar (dark or light); chili powder; and paprika (smoked is always good). From there you can build your own with what you have on hand.

Have some fun with it.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1/4 cup seasoned salt
1/4 cup paprika
1/4 cup smoked paprika
1 tablespoon garlic powder
2 teaspoons onion powder
1 tablespoon celery salt
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons black pepper
1 tablespoon rubbed dried sage
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
1/4 teaspoon ground mace
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

Simply combine all of the ingredients/spices and pack onto the meat. If you are uncomfortable with that because of the spices falling off the meat you can add in a tablespoon of olive oil, or like I do, add in the juice of one lemon. That moisture will help the rub stick to the meat better. And don’t forget to let the meat come to room temperature before you cook it.

Eric and Cindee’s Steak Rub

This is a good classic rub to make your mouth water. It can be adjusted for heat depending on how spicy you like your meat. We just threw this together one afternoon with the spices we had on hand and I am pleased to say: it works well.

1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon cumin
3/4 teaspoon thyme
1 teaspoon oregano
1 1/2 teaspoon basil
2 teaspoons pepper steak seasoning
1/2 stick butter
2 tablespoons olive oil
*some adjustments can be made to the amount of olive oil used.

Directions:

Combine all of the dry ingredients first, then add in the olive oil and mix well. Add mixture to the butter and smather onto the steak. Its best to allow the rubbed steak to “rest” for about fifteen minutes prior to broiling or grilling.

We also have an awesome 14-spice rub that it out of this world. I’ll post that tonight or tomorrow.

Better Days

There are better days ahead. I know that. I sometimes forget that though. I get lost in my misery and can’t see the sun shining on the rooftops.

Yesterday I went to church – online. I can’t afford the gas to go to a regular church so I do online church. It’s quite convenient actually. You can choose to attend a live stream with the praise music, the prayers, and the filler moments, or, you can view past sermons without all the hub-bub. A stripped-down sermon with just the meaty juicy truth. I chose the stripped-down sermon.

It was centered on the book of Daniel. I am, in fact, working my way through a series focused on the book of Daniel. This episode was on chapter two. The pastor labeled this installment “Crises”. It covered the events of Nebuchadnezzer demanding that his wise men tell him about a dream he had. And he wanted them to tell him what the dream was first of all and then interpret the dream for him. The chief astrologer told Nebuchadnezzer that what he asked was impossible, only the gods could know what the dream was and they didn’t share that information with mortal man.

Nebuchadnezzer was very wroth and ordered the killing of ALL of his wise men, including Daniel and his friends. But, Daniel was wise and asked the guard if he could speak with the king and ask why the hurry? The guard accepted Daniel’s request and soon Daniel was facing Nebuchadnezzer. When the opportunity arose, Daniel asked the king for some time to take care of this challenge and the king granted Daniel time.

Back in his quarters, Daniel came together with his friends and they brainstormed and decided to pray to the Living God and ask him for help. That evening Daniel was given a vision of the king’s dream and the interpretation. The next day he went to the king and the rest is history.

The crux of the message the pastor was trying to convey is this: How you act in times of crisis does not “define” who you are, but instead, it is a reflection of who you are. There is a key difference between the two. Your character is not defined by crises it is revealed by crises. Your character is shaped and molded through time, through your daily experience. As you go through each day you are given opportunities to choose and your choices, accumulated, shape who you are. So it is important to make deliberate choices. Choices that are the result of careful thought and reflection.

You don’t expect a child to make tough choices, but you do expect them to learn from their mistakes. And why do we not expect adults to have learned from their mistakes and make informed decisions? Aren’t we adults better equipped for considerate thought? Shouldn’t we be making better decisions than we did when we were young? Shouldn’t we rely on rational thought rather than emotions?

So, if we want to act rationally in moments of crises, we must harvest good decision-making practices. We must continually strive to learn from our mistakes and learn to judge a situation with keen eyes and a thoughtful understanding. Daniel showed that. He did not panic and get all emotional when the heat was on. Daniel, cooly and calmly, addressed the situation and was rewarded with his life. He went on to be one of the most powerful men in the kingdom.

Let’s try and remember, it is not circumstances that define our fate. It is the choices we make in those times of crises that reflect our character. And our character is shaped by the choices we make on a daily basis.

Please feel free to visit these online resources for bible study and worhsip.

Crossroads Community Church – scroll down to see the message library.

Indian Rocks Baptist – Current series link

Faith Church – message library

Just a note: I don’t ascribe to any one denomination. I think most all have merit. And if you want to turn me on to your church, please, feel free to offer suggestions. I  will be happy to include the information in future posts.

If all else fails…

I have been struggling lately. I am in quite a mess of depression. Nothing inspires me. Nothing interests me. Nothing soothes me.

I am a big music buff. I love my music. I listen to everything from classical to oldies to country to rock. And nothing is relieving this malaise. This numbness of thought.

I have no appetite. I only want to drink. But I have to stop drinking soda. It is killing my gut. The reason I am so thirsty is simple: the pills I am on cause extreme thirst. And it has been getting more extreme over the past few months. Whereas I used to drink 3 gallons of liquids a day, I am now up to 3 1/4 gallons a day. It’s nuts. I wake up in the middle of the night to drink. Not alcohol. Soda. Or chocolate milk. Or even lemon water. But the point is I am insanely thirsty.

I was working on a short story for a book I will publish “someday.” But I have no desire to write. I have no desire to research. I have no desire to be on the Internet, Facebook, or WordPress. I am standing without. Yet, people look at me and think, “There’s nothing wrong with him.” That is the stigma we mentally ill folk have to live with. The broken pieces are all inside the mind. Far away from prying eyes.

How do we get it through to those regular Joes and Joanies that we are suffering? I do not wish this on anybody, but boy would I love for everyone to have a touch of mental illness for a day. Feel what I am feeling. Live in despair for just a day. Feel the highs, the lows and the numbness.

I am listening to music that I used to close my eyes to and drift off in bliss. But that isn’t anywhere close to what I’m feeling today. The music does nothing for me. In fact, it is an annoyance to some extent. It’s like children playing outside of your window when you are trying to sleep or read. Music just fills the void. Keeps my mind off of itself.

If all else fails……try God. But God is not interesting to me right now. I just want to sleep away this terrible dream I am having. To keep my mind off of itself.  To avoid all of “this.”