I have been struggling lately. I am in quite a mess of depression. Nothing inspires me. Nothing interests me. Nothing soothes me.
I am a big music buff. I love my music. I listen to everything from classical to oldies to country to rock. And nothing is relieving this malaise. This numbness of thought.
I have no appetite. I only want to drink. But I have to stop drinking soda. It is killing my gut. The reason I am so thirsty is simple: the pills I am on cause extreme thirst. And it has been getting more extreme over the past few months. Whereas I used to drink 3 gallons of liquids a day, I am now up to 3 1/4 gallons a day. It’s nuts. I wake up in the middle of the night to drink. Not alcohol. Soda. Or chocolate milk. Or even lemon water. But the point is I am insanely thirsty.
I was working on a short story for a book I will publish “someday.” But I have no desire to write. I have no desire to research. I have no desire to be on the Internet, Facebook, or WordPress. I am standing without. Yet, people look at me and think, “There’s nothing wrong with him.” That is the stigma we mentally ill folk have to live with. The broken pieces are all inside the mind. Far away from prying eyes.
How do we get it through to those regular Joes and Joanies that we are suffering? I do not wish this on anybody, but boy would I love for everyone to have a touch of mental illness for a day. Feel what I am feeling. Live in despair for just a day. Feel the highs, the lows and the numbness.
I am listening to music that I used to close my eyes to and drift off in bliss. But that isn’t anywhere close to what I’m feeling today. The music does nothing for me. In fact, it is an annoyance to some extent. It’s like children playing outside of your window when you are trying to sleep or read. Music just fills the void. Keeps my mind off of itself.
If all else fails……try God. But God is not interesting to me right now. I just want to sleep away this terrible dream I am having. To keep my mind off of itself. To avoid all of “this.”