If all else fails…

I have been struggling lately. I am in quite a mess of depression. Nothing inspires me. Nothing interests me. Nothing soothes me.

I am a big music buff. I love my music. I listen to everything from classical to oldies to country to rock. And nothing is relieving this malaise. This numbness of thought.

I have no appetite. I only want to drink. But I have to stop drinking soda. It is killing my gut. The reason I am so thirsty is simple: the pills I am on cause extreme thirst. And it has been getting more extreme over the past few months. Whereas I used to drink 3 gallons of liquids a day, I am now up to 3 1/4 gallons a day. It’s nuts. I wake up in the middle of the night to drink. Not alcohol. Soda. Or chocolate milk. Or even lemon water. But the point is I am insanely thirsty.

I was working on a short story for a book I will publish “someday.” But I have no desire to write. I have no desire to research. I have no desire to be on the Internet, Facebook, or WordPress. I am standing without. Yet, people look at me and think, “There’s nothing wrong with him.” That is the stigma we mentally ill folk have to live with. The broken pieces are all inside the mind. Far away from prying eyes.

How do we get it through to those regular Joes and Joanies that we are suffering? I do not wish this on anybody, but boy would I love for everyone to have a touch of mental illness for a day. Feel what I am feeling. Live in despair for just a day. Feel the highs, the lows and the numbness.

I am listening to music that I used to close my eyes to and drift off in bliss. But that isn’t anywhere close to what I’m feeling today. The music does nothing for me. In fact, it is an annoyance to some extent. It’s like children playing outside of your window when you are trying to sleep or read. Music just fills the void. Keeps my mind off of itself.

If all else fails……try God. But God is not interesting to me right now. I just want to sleep away this terrible dream I am having. To keep my mind off of itself.  To avoid all of “this.”

10 thoughts on “If all else fails…

  1. I wholeheartedly feel you Eric. The thirst, the soda, the lack of interest. I don’t know what advice to offer except to believe that if you ride it out – drinking as much chocolate milk as you want – things will shift. Life does change and so do our moods. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, however slowly, at your own pace. You’ll get to the sunlight again

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am so sad to read about your suffering. you have described it perfectly, though and I am sure so many readers can relate to this. It must be devastating that the music you so love is even too much to bear. Words can never soothe the pain or cut through the malaise, or even make things better just a tiny bit. The things well-meaning people say, just make it so much worse.

    I have a very minor thirst compared with what you are enduring, so I have no idea what it is like. It sounds like you are drinking very close to ‘water intoxication’ and that will screw with your sodium levels. It sounds like you cannot win no matter what you do. I hope this all settles down for you and things improve. Take care my friend, I am thinking about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Just thinking about what you were saying about if everyone could have a mental illness for a day … I wish that all our politicians were to suffer a serious depressive episode for just one week. Enough to make them too ill to work and have to be off sick. If they just felt this, even for a short while, I am sure attitude and stigma would change dramatically in our countries.

      Liked by 1 person

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