Ramble On

So today I am sitting here pondering the do’s and don’t’s of life, and, I am waiting for the mailman to bring some much needed computer software. I have purchased Acronis True Image software to clone my wife’s hard drive. Her computer has been acting up lately (actually slowing down) and I think it is finally time to replace the hard drive. I built the computer ten years ago and it has worked good for her all this time but lately the computer has shown signs of wear.

On the one hand it is exciting to be in this position because I finally get to “fix” something. I mean, what is a man’s greatest joy in life but to fix things? On the other hand, it is a challenge because my mind does not perform the way it used to and I question my self at every turn. Can I truly fix this thing anymore? Do I have the mental skills to go in and work this complicated software so that the desired outcome is experienced? The whole future hangs in the balance. If I screw it up, then we have to go the old fashioned way and install everything from scratch which takes hours upon hours.

It really isn’t all that bad, but it is a challenge. I’ve never worked with a cloning program and it feels and sounds ominous.

In my younger days – my clean mental days – I would have tackled this with little reserve. But now, with my mental capacity as it is, I am afraid of screwing up and having wasted my time and money on a program that may be too hard to master.

So, I’m sitting here and I am realizing that the big black dog of depression is not so big today. I am actually feeling kind of free. Granted, I am not manic and wild, but I am feeling pretty nimble today. It is nice to not be so numb to life that everything has a black cloud over it. Today, I feel like listening to Santana. And, I want to blare it from the rooftops!

Anyway, the computers in our house are on strike. My son’s computer started screwing up over a month ago and now is so bad that he has to use the on-screen keyboard to get things done. I don’t understand. The computer is only two years old. His fan acts up every now and again and the whole machine shuts down. That started happening a year ago. I bought another fan for him in case the thing completely dies but it has soldiered on all this time. But now, like I said, he can’t use his keyboard because so many keys just don’t work. Thankfully he can use the onscreen keyboard.

I have a backup laptop computer that had its own problems after about a year into it. The fan died and it had to be replaced, so I replaced it. But in putting the thing back together a connector broke and we had to rig it so that it would function. I don’t dare take it apart again because I’m not sure we could put it back together without more problems arising. It still works but is temperamental. So anyway, I don’t do tear downs anymore. You never know what kind of challenge you’re gonna run into.

What challenges am I facing with my Bipolar today? Well, for one, my appetite is non-existent. I have been Unhungry for over two years now and I think it’s reached its peak. I might have a pear today and then eat a half a sandwich for dinner. And that’s about it. Food makes me cringe anymore. Many times I have to force the food down my throat. Usually I feel like I’ll gag or worse but I’m fine after a half hour or so.

The side effects from the pills – I have extensive shaking going on right now. My hands and my arms – including my shoulders – are all a tremble. This is present more often than not. Sometimes it’s so bad I can’t hold a spoon. It’s a funny thing. I can not control the shakes, but I can control it with both hands clenched together. Weird. Useless too. But funny.

I have racing thoughts. They sometimes keep me up at nights. I also have the same thoughts over and over and over again. Non-stop entertainment. I have dress rehearsals for conversations that will never happen. I wish I could have an iPod or iPhone tied to my brain so I could copy down all the wild and wonderful conversations and storytelling that goes on in my head. I just don’t have enough time to get the laptop, turn it on, and wait for the initializations to occur and then, finally, get the chance to type in all that I was thinking, which by this time would be half gone from my memory. LOL

It’s a little crazy and a whole lot of sad to admit that we have a problem. Doing this blog has shown me that there are thousands of people who suffer from some form of mental illness. I can’t tell you how disturbed I am over this. It’s as if God made a mistake. Many mistakes. Why should we have to suffer? What did we ever do to deserve this fate?

Sure, I am being selfish. But, it begs the question: What is normal? Who is normal? There are so many different illnesses out there, whether they are “physical” ailments or “mental” illnesses, the mind wanders when thinking about it all.

We’ve been on this earth for tens of thousands of years and this is the best we can come up with? Really? Plato and Socrates were wise beyond their years and in two thousand years this is all we’ve accomplished? It seems to me that there is a conspiracy going on. One that has been ordained from the earliest of time. I’m speaking of power – and greed. To stay in power, the “leaders” of the free world have taken it upon themselves to quash the truth, to hide the healing factors.

Consider cancer for a moment. It is a multi-billion dollar “industry.” They don’t want to find a cure because it would ruin their economic standing. So many people would be without jobs, including the CEOs of many famous corporations. So they purposefully “don’t” find a cure.

Why have all the alternative medicine doctors been found dead in the last three years? What did they know? Whom did they cure? What rule did they break?

Yeah, I’m just gong on here, but these are just questions that pop through my mind every now and again. I wish I had real answers.

I consider myself lucky. My deal with Bipolar has been above average I would say as compared to some that I have read about on other blogs. For one, I don’t have to take a cocktail of drugs to function. I take two: lithium and geodon. Although I think a mood stabilizer would help me avoid the lows of depression. But I have an opportunity to explore that with my new doctor when I meet her in the next couple of weeks. Secondly, I feel my highs and lows are mild. Sure, every now and again things get haywired, but for the most part I am as close to normal as I am going to get.

On the flip side of that, I have the issues of sleep and anger and disinterest. Sleep is either my enemy or my enemy. What I mean is that I either sleep too long (12 hours sometimes) or not at all (awake for 32 hours at times). There rarely is a day when I sleep for 6 to 8 hours. And I don’t always feel rested when doing so. Then there is the anger. I know I mentioned how my highs and lows are mild, but there have been times when my anger got out of control, and it takes/took just a small trigger to set it off! I was in the grocery store the other day with my wife and boy and they took off on me to do their own thing. I was left not knowing if they were going to get things that I had on our list so I got upset. And then that upset grew into a rage and I stopped what I was doing, hunted them down, and then let them have it. I yelled and cussed and fumed in front of children and adults alike. It was not pretty. Not a proud moment. And I had taken my pills the night before. So I learned that the pills don’t always preclude me from having episodes.

And finally, the disinterest. The lack of caring. The missing motivation. I struggle with that daily. There is just no way I can fix this. I sit and wonder and stare and nothing happens. I can be “hot” for a project for three or four days. And then on the fifth day and beyond, there is absolutely no interest in the project “at all.” It’s been a week since I last did research for my latest short story and I have no idea when I will find the energy to tackle it again. I can’t even write one creative sentence. It’s just blah. A bunch of hot air with no meaning whatsoever. I’m not one of those writers who can sit down and write for eight hours day and call it good. I am more of an apprentice who needs to be inspired to write.

Much like this blog….if you have followed me all the way down here, then you are a determined soul and I thank you. This has been less than stellar for you today, I’m sure. Me bouncing off the walls per se and saying whatever comes to my mind. If you are Bipolar you will understand. If you are not Bipolar, then this has been a difficult exercise for you and I apologize. There was a purpose somewhere in here. I just lost track of it somewhere.

Have a blessed day everyone.