The Big Black Dog

The Big Black Dog

I just learned that a person with Bipolar I deals with depression on a 3:1 scale but a person with Bipolar II, such as myself, deals with depression on a 20:1 scale. My goodness!! That’s insane. But that makes sense. I typically suffer from depression predominantly over mania. I am almost always depressed and it sucks the energy right out of me.

I’ve been avoiding Facebook lately because it is all just the same stuff: people throwing out their political views; people showing us their culinary curiosities; and people just sharing crap. I’m over it. It’s too damned bothersome. BUT, there is a silver lining. I have recently “liked” some Bipolar pages and it has given me something new to read. There are articles by folks who share their Bipolar lives and strategies for living fuller lives despite the illness. This has given me something to visit Facebook for. Obviously, I go to see my friends and family, but they are not doing anything that they haven’t been doing for the past five or six years.

So, I sit in darkness tapping away at the keys, writing monotonous drivel just to say that I am doing something constructive. I should take the advice of bpMagazine’s contributors and go outside and take a walk. Or maybe I could put on some music and clean the house. I know, I could cook a difficult and yet, interesting meal!

Gawd, I am tired of this! I want to go back in time when I smiled. When I cared about my life. When I cared about others’ lives. This shit has to stop. But it won’t. The Big Black Dog of depression has bitten my leg and he won’t let go.

It’s like this: Depression blocks your endorphin machine. Depression does not allow you to access the same pathways in your brain as, say, mania does. With manic episodes you get joy, elation, positive thought processes (albeit inaccurate, over-inflated ones). Mania is spontaneous and fun and it opens pathways to the feelings of possibilities. Depression blocks all that. There is no joy. There is no elation. There are no open pathways to positive thinking. It’s all dark, dreary, and doomsville.

I become sarcastic to a fault. I belittle my own existence. I am angry. I wish I could cry.

I gotta go. I’m not doing anyone any good.

I hope you all have a bright, blessed day.

Peace

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2 thoughts on “The Big Black Dog

  1. The lack of joy – I find that to be the core of depression. You can do a million things but still there is no joy. And then? All hope is lost. A vicious cycle. Keep going. It will change. It usually does. Do something that gives you comfort, not something forced. Keep going

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Pieces. It is a vicious cycle. I don’t know what gives me comfort anymore. Sleep. LOL. There’s really not much else that brings me peace these days. It is what it is I guess. No sense in giving in to it. Gotta keep fighting.

      Liked by 1 person

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