We’re all on our own paths. I get that. Some of us are going through life in cruise control, others are bouncing along in a breeze and still others are bumping and grinding their way to the top. But I am not in any of those groups. I am in the no-safe zone, hanging on with every ounce of energy I have.
And, I feel guilty doing it.
I feel like I should be accomplishing something. Doing something productive. Building things. Fixing things. Making things work.
But that is not my life anymore. My life revolves around two doors: Mania and Depression. When I am manic, I find myself anxious, nervous and confused. It’s like I took a few drops of Vitamin B12 and my skin is on fire, tingling and burning at the same time; my stomach hurts and my mind is foggy. I am not in control.
Depression is worse. When that door opens, I become lethargic, unmotivated and disinterested. It takes everything I’ve got to just get on the computer and reach out to someone. There are days when I am so down that I just sleep because that is the only thing I can do well. And then there are those thoughts. You know the ones. Life isn’t worth living. It’s all pointless anyway, we’re all going to die eventually, so why even bother? Those days worry me. I wonder if it’ll get deeper. Will the reasoning best me?
I read headlines. I rarely read the whole article. What’s the point? I’m not going to do anything with the information anyway. There’s no election coming up. The world isn’t going to listen to what I have to say. I’m just a dumb mental case. I don’t count. I don’t even exist.
I find myself shopping online. Window shopping mostly. It is something that “could” give me some meaning. In that sense I am buying into this consumerism that I loathe. Buying gives me power. I can choose what I want to spend my money on. That’s power. And when I have money, that’s power too. So I window shop. I must have 20 wish lists online. Everything from computer components to living room furniture. It’s all at my disposal. But I am running out of stores to shop at. So I revisit my lists and make adjustments. That keeps me busy.
But again, what is the point? It’s just time I am wasting. I am not producing anything. I have no value. My life is worthless.
And there is tomorrow ……