SUICIDE

It’s a thought-provoking label. Suicide. Just thinking about it causes all sorts of problems. But here’us the deal. I have nothing to live for. I am the poorest of poor. I am Bipolar and constantly in the throes of Depression. I have no joy in my life. I am bored with the Internet, with TV, and with people. Because of my financial status I cannot go out to the forest to get in touch with nature. And the forest is only twenty minutes away! But I can’t afford the gas to go there. I can’t afford to get a much needed brake job.

My options are limited. I have no interest in anything: exercise, walking, shopping, eating, drinking, games, etc. My life is a waste of time. My memory is shot, I can’t work, my mind does not examine things right. I am busted cargo. Damaged goods. There is no hope. Even God is uninteresting. There used to be hope there. But now I can’t see it.

So what do I do? Sit on my ass and stare at the walls. There is no productive force in me anymore. I have no hobbies and I couldn’t afford one anyway. My life is worthless. If it weren’t for the fact that my ex and my son are alive I would have killed myself long ago. They are the only reason I am alive. For now. I don’t want to kill myself, but what else is there to do? I’m tired of this existence.

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3 thoughts on “SUICIDE

  1. Eric, I do not necessarily struggle the same way you do, but I’ve had my own dealings with suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts are not a way out but merely Satan trying to destroy us, because children of God threaten him. He comes to steal our joy and purpose that we may turn away from Christ or better yet (for him) end our lives. Those are the times we have to cry out to Jesus. He is not a faraway god, but a risen Saviour that knows us and wants us. If you root your purpose in him, you’ll have more than the richest, smartest, or most successful man. I know it’s easier said than done but let Jesus do the work. He tells us we need faith only the size of a mustard seed. Cry out to him and he will hear you. And do not give Satan any foothold. Call your family. Try to get atleast outside the front door and get some sunshine. Go to the ER if you are feeling suicidal. Praying for you.

    I waited patiently for the Lord ; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord .
    Psalms 40:1‭-‬3 ESV
    http://bible.com/59/psa.40.1-3.ESV

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    • Thank you for your thoughts. I am trying. I am trying to be in God’s company. He is the answer to many questions. I am weak. He is strong. I need Him. Jesus died so that we may live. It’s all well and good in theory. But it is hard to practice what is preached. I fully expect those thoughts of suicide to come back. Probably many times. Who knows? I can’t guarantee that my faith in Jesus/God/Holy Spirit will be enough to stop me next time. I just have to take it one moment at a time. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts on this.

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  2. I know it’s easier said than done! But God’s power is not contingent on our faith. He heals the faithful and faithless alike. He uses the faithful and faithless alike. Its not about your faith being enough, it’s about his goodness being enough:) take care 🙂

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