A Better Place

I was reading through friends’ blogs today and came across a poem that stopped me in my tracks. The writer described his depression and how everything in his world seemed ‘hopeless’.  As I read, I couldn’t help but think about my own journey through that darkness. It is not a place anyone should have to travel to.

Suicide, and thoughts of, steals our joy, our optimism, and our hope. But God is good in that He IS our hope.

It is hard to remember that , let alone champion that thought of grace when the big black dog of depression is sitting on your lap. It’s a scary time. At the moment, every moment, it feels like the hopelessness will never end. And it consumes our minds.

I personally don’t know how I got out of that depression, and my friend didn’t include how he got out of his, but I am so happy that we are no longer in that place. All I can think is that God must have been watching over us and it must have pained HIM to see us that way. He probably cleared a path for us so that the misery wouldn’t take us beyond what we could bear.

I am in a happier place now. I have something to live for and it was there all the time. My eyes were just clouded and my Bipolar brain was confused.

Those close to me, heard me often saying “I’ve done it all. There is nothing left for me to do.” And that became my downfall. I created my own darkness by those words. My arrogance corrupted my path.

God is teaching me. My eyes are opening to the truth. I need Him more now than ever. And at the heart of it all is: TRUST. My sorest muscle. I haven’t used my trust muscle enough to make it strong. I don’t trust God to do what He says he’ll do. I don’t trust myself enough to do what I ought to do.

 

Spring is here and with it, a renewed sense of adventure. We dont’ have the snow like the northern states, but we get some rainy, windy, chilly days. So when Spring rolls around it is nice to see the blossoms on the trees and the blue skies.

Unfortunately, those chilly days will give way to scorching heat soon enough and we will be wishing for Fall again. Summer lasts for 6 months here in the desert town north of Sacramento and the heat can get up to 120 degrees fahrenheit. My first summer here it was 114 and I got indoctrinated properly.

One summer we had temps over 100 for 38 days-in-a-row. That sucked. Thats’ why I dread summer coming. We never know if it will be a record-setting summer or just a normal heat-stricken journey.

Since my med change I am a bit more ‘together’ – more aware. My mind has cleared a bit and I can think things through. And, I am more talkative. LOL. So, I will stop here and let you all get back to what you were doing.

Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for caring.

If anyone is in a bad place right now, don’t give up or give in. Seek out some help. It will be worth your time. The future is waiting for you.

Peace

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Challenges

This week I am firmly stuck in the mud.

I’m online studying to develop WordPress sites and everything is going smoothly up until lesson 42, then….

I’m stuck and I can’t go forward until I figure this error message out. I take a screenshot of the message and then follow the instructions/suggestions that the message provides but to no avail. It is frustrating. That’s what you get for not going the expensive route and going to a college and learning this stuff. But, there is a Q&A forum for this class and I posted a question and in return I get a smart-alec answer to telling me that things won’t work if you don’t put in the required commas, semi-colons, etc. Like I’m that dumb. Honestly. Give me some real help, jerk.

Okay, so maybe I’m a little bit of a jerk myself. The guy couldn’t know that I spent three years in college learning computer programming, among other things.

So, now I check out ‘WordPress Development Stack Exchange’ – a community of coders who volunteer to help each other out and where people can seek answers to questions related to WordPress coding. But, I haven’t asked a question yet because I don’t know how to frame the question. I don’t have a specific sample of code to offer up with the question because the error message gave me bogus info. So now what do I do?

I leave it up to God. I just have to trust that this will be resolved. There is no room for failure. This WILL be resolved!

Patience. I have none. I am a firebug.  I get lit up over small things. I’m working on it. But I am pressed for time. Every day that this is not resolved cuts into my future. We already have clients in the pipeline and should an issue arise that relates to this challenge  I am stuck.

So, if you can, if you would, just throw up a prayer to the heavens for me that this will be resolved. I need all the positive energy that you can muster.

Thanks.

 

On a positive note – I have learned a lot already. The course I am taking is on Udemy and the instructor is really good. I’m in lesson 42 of 101 and there is  so much that has been accomplished to this point. There’s still a lot more to go in building this website for a fictional university. It is crazy how much we’ve already covered. I have a libarary of code I can pull from and reuse in other projects.

My Bipolar self has been doing well these days. No episodes of depression to report and I haven’t been manic for weeks. I am back on track with sleep. I get to bed by 9 or 10 most nights. I will enjoy it while it lasts.  We know how precious getting to bed early is. I haven’t had insomnia for months.

All in all, life is good. I have something to keep me busy and my meds are working the way they are supposed to. And I am finally pulling away from the coding keyboard and taking time out to read blog posts from all of you. One step at a time isn’t too difficult. Small attempts, repeated, will complete any undertaking.

Peace

A New Journey: Fresh Spaces

This year has been like a whirlwind. I have been learning and relearning web code.

A friend asked me to join her in starting a Web Design & Development company. And I said “Yes!” So, I have been reacquainting myself with HTML and CSS and Javascript, and, learning PHP and the WordPress Codex. It’s a lot to take in and a lot to grasp. I am having the time of my life! And, I am not having bad thoughts anymore. I have something to live for!

I have done this without keeping track of my other pursuits. My blog has suffered. I harldy have a presence on Facebook anymore. And, I have fallen out of touch with many friends. I am trying to come back to reality, but this computer programming is so intense I don’t have a mind for much else. I rarely watch television, don’t really listen to the songs on the radio, and my brain is filled to capacity.

The good news is that our efforts aren’t being wasted. We have four clients lined up and waiting and we haven’t even launched yet! Heck, we haven’t even created our own website. We only have samples of what we can do. So  it is great to be in our position.

I will make Sunday the day that I read my WordPress friends and maybe I’ll write a little something too. For now, I am just overwhelmed with my studies and practicing and all of the discoveries and requirements of going into business involves. We are having FUN! And being Bipolar it can be a challenge to have fun unless you are in a manic state!

The pills I’m on now are challenging my sleep. I have vivid, intense dreams that wear me out before I even wake up! I am off of the Lithium – THANK GOD! My kidneys are happy for that. I recently have been under observation as my kidney function dipped into the 50s which is lower than it should be for guy my age. So, the doc is keeping a close eye on me. I still on the blood thinners. In fact, I am taking more now becaues the Carbamazapine (Tegretol) interferes with the Warfarin’s effectiveness so instead of two or three milligrams of warfarin I am taking five and six mgs. But they say this is still a ‘normal’ dosing so I am not so concerned. I just don’t like taking 11 pills every day.

I hope that all of you have something in your life that causes you to wake up wanting to see the next rainbow. I am so much happier now that I’ve got something to do other than exist. I wish that and all the more for each and every one of you.

Peace.

May your light shine so that even the darkest of days finds a ray of sunshine leading to you.