Binge Studying

You ever find yourself so intensely attracted to something that you go on binges?

I have been studying programming so hard that my body and mind are exhausted most afternoons. It is quite a mess. I have begun to read books again to unwind from the stress that coding brings on me. I never realized how drained a person could be from playing. I do consider it “play” this coding  I am doing. I enjoy it so much. It is like I am addicted or something.

On the one hand it is nice to have something to live for, some pursuit to an end. Yet,  I find that it is taking over my life. And I want to be careful not to get lost in it. There is so much more to this world than just coding.

My Bipolar symptoms are settled – for now. I am having trouble sleeping but that could be due to apnea, although the apnea is not extreme enough to warrant a breathing machine, so says the doctor and insurance companies.

My mind is expanding. My memory is still lacking, but I feel that my cognitive skills are improving, if ever so slightly.

I wonder what it is like for addicts. Do they get drawn in so completely that their whole world is drugs or booze? How does that work? It must be a strong pull. I can kinda see it from my perspective now that I am so instensely attracted to coding. Is it the same sort of thing that, say, a ‘collector’ would feel? You know, someone who can’t pass up a Disney toy at the store without pulling the ole wallet out and buying said item because it will look good alongside the other hundred toys on the shelf?

I’ve attended 12-step programs in the past (in my young adult life) and I never got anything from them that I couldn’t get by simply reading my Bible. In fact, it seems a lot has been borrowed from the Holy Bible in these meetings. It seems Christianity is everywhere but people don’t know its Christianity that is being displayed or ridiculed or whatever. We have so many mentions of God in so many different venues that you can’t run away from it, yet, people deny its power, its core. I think that’s because they don’t really know anything about it. They just know soundbites. Movies. Songs. They make up their minds based on someone’s storytelling and its usually mixed inside a violent movie or a sinful song. They judge Christians without having any understanding of what a Christian believes.

On the other side of the coin, many Christians don’t even know they are corrupting the faith. They smoke, drink, cuss, cradle guns and gun rights over logic, they fight for the right to have babies but they don’t fight to have that baby in a good home with enough food and diapers.

We are ALL mixed up and we are all going to answer for our actions when the day of final judgment comes.

I guess my Bipolar mind is still running around like a looney because I just noticed how I’ve jumped from topic to topic without fully completing a thought. LOL

Just another day in my weird and wacky world.

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A Better Place

I was reading through friends’ blogs today and came across a poem that stopped me in my tracks. The writer described his depression and how everything in his world seemed ‘hopeless’.  As I read, I couldn’t help but think about my own journey through that darkness. It is not a place anyone should have to travel to.

Suicide, and thoughts of, steals our joy, our optimism, and our hope. But God is good in that He IS our hope.

It is hard to remember that , let alone champion that thought of grace when the big black dog of depression is sitting on your lap. It’s a scary time. At the moment, every moment, it feels like the hopelessness will never end. And it consumes our minds.

I personally don’t know how I got out of that depression, and my friend didn’t include how he got out of his, but I am so happy that we are no longer in that place. All I can think is that God must have been watching over us and it must have pained HIM to see us that way. He probably cleared a path for us so that the misery wouldn’t take us beyond what we could bear.

I am in a happier place now. I have something to live for and it was there all the time. My eyes were just clouded and my Bipolar brain was confused.

Those close to me, heard me often saying “I’ve done it all. There is nothing left for me to do.” And that became my downfall. I created my own darkness by those words. My arrogance corrupted my path.

God is teaching me. My eyes are opening to the truth. I need Him more now than ever. And at the heart of it all is: TRUST. My sorest muscle. I haven’t used my trust muscle enough to make it strong. I don’t trust God to do what He says he’ll do. I don’t trust myself enough to do what I ought to do.

 

Spring is here and with it, a renewed sense of adventure. We dont’ have the snow like the northern states, but we get some rainy, windy, chilly days. So when Spring rolls around it is nice to see the blossoms on the trees and the blue skies.

Unfortunately, those chilly days will give way to scorching heat soon enough and we will be wishing for Fall again. Summer lasts for 6 months here in the desert town north of Sacramento and the heat can get up to 120 degrees fahrenheit. My first summer here it was 114 and I got indoctrinated properly.

One summer we had temps over 100 for 38 days-in-a-row. That sucked. Thats’ why I dread summer coming. We never know if it will be a record-setting summer or just a normal heat-stricken journey.

Since my med change I am a bit more ‘together’ – more aware. My mind has cleared a bit and I can think things through. And, I am more talkative. LOL. So, I will stop here and let you all get back to what you were doing.

Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for caring.

If anyone is in a bad place right now, don’t give up or give in. Seek out some help. It will be worth your time. The future is waiting for you.

Peace

A New Journey: Fresh Spaces

This year has been like a whirlwind. I have been learning and relearning web code.

A friend asked me to join her in starting a Web Design & Development company. And I said “Yes!” So, I have been reacquainting myself with HTML and CSS and Javascript, and, learning PHP and the WordPress Codex. It’s a lot to take in and a lot to grasp. I am having the time of my life! And, I am not having bad thoughts anymore. I have something to live for!

I have done this without keeping track of my other pursuits. My blog has suffered. I harldy have a presence on Facebook anymore. And, I have fallen out of touch with many friends. I am trying to come back to reality, but this computer programming is so intense I don’t have a mind for much else. I rarely watch television, don’t really listen to the songs on the radio, and my brain is filled to capacity.

The good news is that our efforts aren’t being wasted. We have four clients lined up and waiting and we haven’t even launched yet! Heck, we haven’t even created our own website. We only have samples of what we can do. So  it is great to be in our position.

I will make Sunday the day that I read my WordPress friends and maybe I’ll write a little something too. For now, I am just overwhelmed with my studies and practicing and all of the discoveries and requirements of going into business involves. We are having FUN! And being Bipolar it can be a challenge to have fun unless you are in a manic state!

The pills I’m on now are challenging my sleep. I have vivid, intense dreams that wear me out before I even wake up! I am off of the Lithium – THANK GOD! My kidneys are happy for that. I recently have been under observation as my kidney function dipped into the 50s which is lower than it should be for guy my age. So, the doc is keeping a close eye on me. I still on the blood thinners. In fact, I am taking more now becaues the Carbamazapine (Tegretol) interferes with the Warfarin’s effectiveness so instead of two or three milligrams of warfarin I am taking five and six mgs. But they say this is still a ‘normal’ dosing so I am not so concerned. I just don’t like taking 11 pills every day.

I hope that all of you have something in your life that causes you to wake up wanting to see the next rainbow. I am so much happier now that I’ve got something to do other than exist. I wish that and all the more for each and every one of you.

Peace.

May your light shine so that even the darkest of days finds a ray of sunshine leading to you.

Christmas is over. But I still feel like celebrating.

Hi folks! Did you ever get off of a rollercoaster and run through the crowd to get in line again? And you stand there waiting anxiously to ride again? That’s what I’m going through with Christmas. Not because I want to eat, drink and be merry, but, because I want the feeling to last for ever.

Too often people are harried and hurried and simply just are jerks about everything. But when Christmas rolls around a sense of duty infects everyone and they feel that they must not complain. That no matter how difficult the crowds, how slow the highways, how selfish the shoppers can be, all will be okay because there is love in the air.

Every year the tree stays up till way past January. Last year we had it up until somewhere around Valentine’s Day. Sure, we may be kooky, but the sense of goodwill remained. That tree gave us a sense of hope.

If we couldn’t find peace and understanding out in the crazy world, then, by gholly, we would find it at home.

This begs the question, “Why?” Why can’t everyday be just like Christmas? (Sorry Elvis, had to do it). Why on earth do we go through life bitching and moaning and cheating and stealing and being selfish? Why are the folks running this world running it into the ground? Don’t they see that their greed is hurting us all? Can’t they tell that their corporatism is destroying the earth?

I just read something today that stated that the richest people in the world just got 7 trillion dollars richer in 2017 – and that’s not enough for them! They want more so they are buying political favors.

I know this has been going on for centuries. But, please, can someone tell me why aren’t we fighting back as a society? In huge numbers? Why is it there can be a million-man march on the National Mall in Washington and two decades later we are still gunning down blacks like it was some sort of rite of passage? Why can’t we get two million blacks, whites, latinos and asians to march on Washington to voice their opposition to corruption in politics and corporate spending? What do the Bilderbergers know about us that we don’t know?

There may well come a day when people from all walks of life, from all over the globe, stand together in protest to the ruling class. But that day won’t happen if we allow idiots to vote in celebrities to run the country. And that goes all the way back to George Washington. We’ve got to do better at picking our leaders. We have to do better at researching their credentials and their claims.

We have to TAKE back our FREEDOM.

 

Merry Christmas to All

I just want to thank all of you for being so understanding and not turning away from me. Bipolar is a mean menchen and it had me in its grips for quite a while. I don’t know how the depression got so bad because I didn’t do anything different, I was taking my meds regularly and I have people close by who truly love me. I had it all. Then that big black dog of depression decided to wake up and stir up some trouble. Thank goodness for science! Without people experimenting all the time and so many people volunteering to be lab rats I would have gone out of my mind by now.

Good news! I am starting a freelancing business. For the new year I only want 1 customer. If that happens this will have been a success. I am focusing on writing and editing and proofreading people’s literary works. Wish me luck. 🙂

If you can, come visit my website. That would be really cool. It’s at The Inkwell

Let me know what you think. Thanks

So Christmas will be good this year. There will be presents to open and a turkey to roast. At this time of year I really get to thinking about all the folks who don’t have homes, or families, or food and shoes and friends to talk to. As good as it is for most of us, it is heartbreaking and heartwrenching for many others. This holiday season please take a moment to give to a homeless person. I know they are not the cleanest folks around but they truly are nice people and many of them will smile and in their own way thank you for your kindness.

Many of them are addicted to alcohol or drugs and many are also veterans who were willing to die for you. Give them that respect. Be thankful that it isn’t you on the streets begging for food or money. I’ve been there. In many ways I still am.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

SUICIDE

It’s a thought-provoking label. Suicide. Just thinking about it causes all sorts of problems. But here’us the deal. I have nothing to live for. I am the poorest of poor. I am Bipolar and constantly in the throes of Depression. I have no joy in my life. I am bored with the Internet, with TV, and with people. Because of my financial status I cannot go out to the forest to get in touch with nature. And the forest is only twenty minutes away! But I can’t afford the gas to go there. I can’t afford to get a much needed brake job.

My options are limited. I have no interest in anything: exercise, walking, shopping, eating, drinking, games, etc. My life is a waste of time. My memory is shot, I can’t work, my mind does not examine things right. I am busted cargo. Damaged goods. There is no hope. Even God is uninteresting. There used to be hope there. But now I can’t see it.

So what do I do? Sit on my ass and stare at the walls. There is no productive force in me anymore. I have no hobbies and I couldn’t afford one anyway. My life is worthless. If it weren’t for the fact that my ex and my son are alive I would have killed myself long ago. They are the only reason I am alive. For now. I don’t want to kill myself, but what else is there to do? I’m tired of this existence.

Prayer Challenge

My hand is still in a brace. Please be patient.

So I started this prayer challenge. It is hosted or rather, inspired by, Max Lucado. It is the simplest prayer challenge I’ve ever come across.

http://beforeamen.com/prayer-challenge/

Click on the link above to check it out.

This hunt and peck is just too much work. Bye for now. Ihope to be back in full strength soon.

Y’all be safe out there.

Is God Working Undercover?

Okay, so I couldn’t stay away. I just have to share today’s report.

You ever have one of those days when you don’t feel like doing anything? I mean you REALLY don’t feel like doing something in particular? And then you just do it and it turns out you go gangbusters? Well, I really did not want to read the Bible today, but, when I started in I just got into it and it didn’t feel burdensome at all.

I was reading in the book of Daniel and before I knew it I had read five chapters! It was all about Nebuchaneezer and Belshazzar, his son. I found the stories so very interesting. On a side note: I have to say that my left hand and arm are sore now. My right hand and wrist are still in a brace and I am controlling the mouse and typing with my left hand. It’s taken me ten minutes to type this far. Anyway, I have to stop and rest every now and again. I don’t know how those hunt-and-peck folks do it.

So, Daniel interpreted Nebuchaneezers dreams (2) and deciphered an ominous warning to Belshazzar concerning the proper object of worship – God, himself – and was rewarded with purple and gold and a high stature in the kingdom. Which brought me to wonder, “Why do we not see episodes like this in this day and age?” Seriously, we still have rulers, we still have Christians; men and women of prayer; spiritual gifts and so many ‘qualifying’ circumstances, I don’t see the logic in God hiding His face from us.

Twenty minutes.

With the explosion of faith in recent times, one would expect to see or hear of many miracles, dreams interpreted, etc. Wouldn’t this bring more glory and honor to God? Isn’t He in the business of healings and such?

I can honestly say that I witnessed, nay, was part of a miraculous event, so I know God is real. I just don’t understand the logic sometimes. Are we believers doing something wrong? Have we missed the mark? Whatever happened to all those ‘faith-healers?’ Has God gone undercover?

I’ll stop there. Maybe the answers will reveal themselves as I read more in my Bible.

Goodnight all. Thanks for sharing.

Better Days

There are better days ahead. I know that. I sometimes forget that though. I get lost in my misery and can’t see the sun shining on the rooftops.

Yesterday I went to church – online. I can’t afford the gas to go to a regular church so I do online church. It’s quite convenient actually. You can choose to attend a live stream with the praise music, the prayers, and the filler moments, or, you can view past sermons without all the hub-bub. A stripped-down sermon with just the meaty juicy truth. I chose the stripped-down sermon.

It was centered on the book of Daniel. I am, in fact, working my way through a series focused on the book of Daniel. This episode was on chapter two. The pastor labeled this installment “Crises”. It covered the events of Nebuchadnezzer demanding that his wise men tell him about a dream he had. And he wanted them to tell him what the dream was first of all and then interpret the dream for him. The chief astrologer told Nebuchadnezzer that what he asked was impossible, only the gods could know what the dream was and they didn’t share that information with mortal man.

Nebuchadnezzer was very wroth and ordered the killing of ALL of his wise men, including Daniel and his friends. But, Daniel was wise and asked the guard if he could speak with the king and ask why the hurry? The guard accepted Daniel’s request and soon Daniel was facing Nebuchadnezzer. When the opportunity arose, Daniel asked the king for some time to take care of this challenge and the king granted Daniel time.

Back in his quarters, Daniel came together with his friends and they brainstormed and decided to pray to the Living God and ask him for help. That evening Daniel was given a vision of the king’s dream and the interpretation. The next day he went to the king and the rest is history.

The crux of the message the pastor was trying to convey is this: How you act in times of crisis does not “define” who you are, but instead, it is a reflection of who you are. There is a key difference between the two. Your character is not defined by crises it is revealed by crises. Your character is shaped and molded through time, through your daily experience. As you go through each day you are given opportunities to choose and your choices, accumulated, shape who you are. So it is important to make deliberate choices. Choices that are the result of careful thought and reflection.

You don’t expect a child to make tough choices, but you do expect them to learn from their mistakes. And why do we not expect adults to have learned from their mistakes and make informed decisions? Aren’t we adults better equipped for considerate thought? Shouldn’t we be making better decisions than we did when we were young? Shouldn’t we rely on rational thought rather than emotions?

So, if we want to act rationally in moments of crises, we must harvest good decision-making practices. We must continually strive to learn from our mistakes and learn to judge a situation with keen eyes and a thoughtful understanding. Daniel showed that. He did not panic and get all emotional when the heat was on. Daniel, cooly and calmly, addressed the situation and was rewarded with his life. He went on to be one of the most powerful men in the kingdom.

Let’s try and remember, it is not circumstances that define our fate. It is the choices we make in those times of crises that reflect our character. And our character is shaped by the choices we make on a daily basis.

Please feel free to visit these online resources for bible study and worhsip.

Crossroads Community Church – scroll down to see the message library.

Indian Rocks Baptist – Current series link

Faith Church – message library

Just a note: I don’t ascribe to any one denomination. I think most all have merit. And if you want to turn me on to your church, please, feel free to offer suggestions. I  will be happy to include the information in future posts.

If all else fails…

I have been struggling lately. I am in quite a mess of depression. Nothing inspires me. Nothing interests me. Nothing soothes me.

I am a big music buff. I love my music. I listen to everything from classical to oldies to country to rock. And nothing is relieving this malaise. This numbness of thought.

I have no appetite. I only want to drink. But I have to stop drinking soda. It is killing my gut. The reason I am so thirsty is simple: the pills I am on cause extreme thirst. And it has been getting more extreme over the past few months. Whereas I used to drink 3 gallons of liquids a day, I am now up to 3 1/4 gallons a day. It’s nuts. I wake up in the middle of the night to drink. Not alcohol. Soda. Or chocolate milk. Or even lemon water. But the point is I am insanely thirsty.

I was working on a short story for a book I will publish “someday.” But I have no desire to write. I have no desire to research. I have no desire to be on the Internet, Facebook, or WordPress. I am standing without. Yet, people look at me and think, “There’s nothing wrong with him.” That is the stigma we mentally ill folk have to live with. The broken pieces are all inside the mind. Far away from prying eyes.

How do we get it through to those regular Joes and Joanies that we are suffering? I do not wish this on anybody, but boy would I love for everyone to have a touch of mental illness for a day. Feel what I am feeling. Live in despair for just a day. Feel the highs, the lows and the numbness.

I am listening to music that I used to close my eyes to and drift off in bliss. But that isn’t anywhere close to what I’m feeling today. The music does nothing for me. In fact, it is an annoyance to some extent. It’s like children playing outside of your window when you are trying to sleep or read. Music just fills the void. Keeps my mind off of itself.

If all else fails……try God. But God is not interesting to me right now. I just want to sleep away this terrible dream I am having. To keep my mind off of itself.  To avoid all of “this.”